Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
