Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
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I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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