I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
