What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
