i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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