Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
