i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
