I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My bed smells like the plague
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
