I am in a vortex of obligation.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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