She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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