Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
