Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
