New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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