I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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