Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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