Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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