All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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