we'll go far in life on tits alone.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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