I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
