It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
