I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
