He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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