She went from zero to smokin in five shots
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
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I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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