You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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