oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
