ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
