so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
