I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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