And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
