you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
