Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
