I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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