watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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