Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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