I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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