If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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