yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
