cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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