Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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