Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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