Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
