There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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