I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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