We're facebook friends in real life
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
