i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?