She is in my trunk
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
