How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
