I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize