everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
