Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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