as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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