i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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