Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
