Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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