Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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